Penis Owners Manual
The definitive guide for the male sexual machine...
They look smart, run smoothly, and get great mileage - now!
But how do you keep everything well-tuned over the long haul?
Here's a guide to the operation and upkeep of the male sexual machine.
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Why would any red blooded male need an owner's manual for his private parts? There's nothing to program, no wires to splice. If something goes wrong, you just, well, uh... ask your cousin Barry, who studied medicine for a year before buying that ice-cream van.
To be honest, most men don't have a clue as to what's going on down there. We pee, zip, tuck, scratch, rub! and, if were lucky, make love. All in uninformed bliss. We fully expect the thing to perform flawlessly for 70 plus years without any maintenance beyond a daily lather.
But inevitably, something goes wrong, whether it's a line drive up the middle during a company softball game or a lusty command to snap to attention that goes unheeded. And when it does, we men are befuddled, embarrassed, terrified - so much so that we often postpone seeking professional help until the pain or anxiety becomes unbearable.
It is with this level of ignorance in mind that I decided to offer up this manual, a do-it-yourselfer's guide to understanding, maintaining and troubleshooting the one eyed bald headed trouser lodger, AKA, your privates. But because I know that listening to a urologist (dick doctor) would be dull to say the least so this guide is organised just like the manual you got with your nice new car.
I just hope that you read this one!
Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you
will enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that you will, we
encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following equipment descriptions, operating
instructions and maintenance requirements.
Throughout this manual, the words CAUTION! and WARNING! appear. These serve as reminders to be especially careful.
Failure to follow instructions could result in serious damage. When it comes to service,
remember that your doctor knows your penis best and has the required technical training
and genuine private parts to assure your ongoing satisfaction.
BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS
CAUTION! -- The following can shrink a relaxed
penis by two inches or more: -
cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity,
exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Keith Richards.
CAUTION! --The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.
Before Attempting to operate your
privates, it's recommended that you thoroughly familiarise yourself with the location and
function of all parts and controls.
1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE
The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See "Troubleshooting" later in this document.)
2. BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these
fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's
ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a
recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a full day
(depending on the equipment's age) before another erection can occur.
CAUTION! -- Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function.
3. DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION
Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive
shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the
epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the
Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just
below the bladder.
STARTING THE ENGINE
The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs: it's inside your head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though that since arousal is an electrical spark traveling the neural motorway it can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure, explore side roads, stop at a Granada, let your partner drive, or, when applicable, road-test a new model.
HARD STARTING OR STALLING
If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can temporarily foul your engine.
If the problem continues, ask your mechanic about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis, producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments. Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort, you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available options/upgrades").
WARNING! -- Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts of impotence.
Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but also makes the penis look smaller.
Men naturally deposit fat in their abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly.
BREAK IN PERIODTo ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that you engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to 40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained sexuality.
ACCELERATION0-60 MPH: Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age.
WARNING! -- Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause partial or complete loss of control.
SUDDEN STOPS Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an aching muscle.
HANDLINGIn order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving on a closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for sex, where you're forever flirting with the limits of control.
ENGAGING THE CHOKETo postpone ejaculation and extend love making , engage "the choke" . This technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind it's head prior to orgasm.
FUEL REQUIREMENTSYour privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat combination below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.
BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONSRegular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for longer. Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the mind by making you feel sexier. ABS Your abdominal muscles (abs) are the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do crunches. These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don't raise your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands crossed over your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the floor, while trying to bring your chin to your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut.
One third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an erect penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend to happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the steering wheel and drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always use turn signals before changing positions.
It's highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for activities that involve running, jumping and sudden movement. This device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them from jarring.
CAUTION! --Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the static electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100% cotton shorts are recommended.
A WORD ABOUT SAFETYAs a supplement to your personal restraint system (the withdrawal method), it's highly recommended that you wear a condom. Although such air bags do not guarantee complete protection from sexually transmitted disease, they are dependable devices that significantly reduce the risk when used properly.
Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is required.
TO BE DONE DAILY:
It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day.
TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST):
Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually.
TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY:
After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't feel like the surrounding tissue.
Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble. Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three things:
Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids all warranties, written or implied.
The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:
AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECKEach night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition.
If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to the post-box.)
FLUID LEAKS After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.
CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly protective foreskin. As many as 85% of penis owners have had this foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.
For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.
DISPOSING OF USED OIL:
When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment. Flavoured lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavoured brands wipe clean with a towel.
Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body , it's important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately.
MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES:
The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.
If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.
The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and temporarily
correct minor faults or worries. Causes of unsatisfactory performance should be
investigated and corrected by your doctor.
**Customise your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs**
Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern laser.
Contemplating a U-Turn on that vasectomy you had a few years back? No problem. The Vas Deferens can be spliced so your sperm can backstroke again. The procedure is safe, relatively quick (90 minutes) and, when performed by a trained technician, be effective in more than 90 per cent of cases.
Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection.
Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker.
WARNING!-- Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when operating at high speeds.
For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.
WARNING!-- Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.
If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence treatments have
failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants. These are cylinders that are
surgically placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are
Further Reading by me...
Further Reading By Others...
Penis Owners Club!
bladder or Paruresis?
"Shagnasty's book of the month"
Shagnasty's Book Listing -- Here
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This has been a
production of some reasonable value.
Proof Reading & Penis Vehicle Logo by SLOB.
Source Material Obtained From "Men's Health"
The Author of the above does not claim to hold any medical qualifications what-so-ever (or any other qualifications at all for that matter!), the text is provided for amusement only. Medical advise should only be obtained from your doctor, I will not accept any responsibility if you take your penis to a mechanic for work to be undertaken and it all goes horribly wrong.
I AM NOT A DOCTOR I'M A SHAGNASTY AND THE ABOVE IS ONLY MEANT AS A BIT OF A LAUGH - CLEAR?
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