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Penis Owners Club

Contraception or...
"Stop that baby"

I was thinking the other day about contraception, like one does, and after a little Baby pusher pictureresearch I was surprised to see just how many options there were available to the female involved in the process whereas very few exist for the bloke. As it was an eye opener for me I share some of my findings with you, my fellow PenisOwners.

So read on people, read on...

                                                 ["Pssst, wanna buy a pill daddy"]

Sex is great isn't it, we all enjoy it don't we, well all except Cliff Richard obviously, who was once quoted as saying that he'd rather have a nice hot cup of tea than have sex with a woman. Hmm, I imagine that would make your willy rather sore, but each to their own I guess.

Anyway, since time began man & woman have been shagging like the human race depended on it. (Err). And of the many problems that go with shagging surely the greatest must be getting a free baby that you get to look after for at least the next eighteen years.

The answer proved to be simple, stop pregnancy, ta-da. Mother Nature has spent millions of years evolving human creatures that are capable of reproduction against all the odds and all we need to do is bugger up her grand plan. (Buggering incidentally is a very efficient method of contraception but not really in the spirit of this discussion.) And so it was that man (yes mainly man I have to note) set about the business of stopping that which comes naturally so as he may have his cake and not have to eat it.

History records some spectacularly weird and wonderful devices, positions and mixtures of goo that all purport to do the job, most didn't. We aren't dealing with the weird stuff in this page though, just the ones that work, even if they are damn weird.

Ok, so what are our options then: -
First, The lads:-
When you see the problems that some couples have conceiving you sometimes wonder what all the fuss is about. The "Just go for it after all its not that likely" is at grossly irresponsible and at best a game of chance. The stakes are a bit on the high side for even the most hardened of gamblers surely. No, not much of an option this one then. I'll bet however that, like me, most men have at one time or another taken this chance. Silly boys, silly.
Not doing it will certainly result in your not getting pregnant. 
Not really a sensible proposition this one, but it has to be said that it's very efficient. Indeed it would have a 100% success rate if it wasn't for a certain Mary from Nazareth who spoilt its other wise unblemished record.
Whist technically a method of contraception its half hearted to say the least. Coming some where between "oh sod it ill take the risk" and abstinence, its not really recommended as a method of birth control. It is however most excellent for raising the dry cleaning costs of your bed linen, and increasing male frustration. It should also be noted that the male orgasm and release of sperm is normally preceded by various little false starts, otherwise known as millions of bloody sperm that jumped the gun. Therein lies the biggest problem with withdrawal.
The Condom
Easily the simplest of ideas, just bung a sock on the end of your knob. With a high success rate, no medical side effects that I could find and the added advantage of stopping you from catching various sexual nasties, you have to wonder why this isn't the only method that we use. Problems do exist however. Ceasing whatever foreplay activity you favour to wrestle with a rubber tube isn't exactly romantic even if it is responsible. In my case for example having to climb down from the chandelier, put down my cricket bat, remove my lion cloth and engage in hand to hand combat with a rubber isn't great sex. Some men complain about lack of sensation whilst using a condom, the phrase "well you don't take a shower whilst wearing a raincoat" is a popular English expression to describe the situation. Disposal can be another moment of high embarrassment on occasions, the male climax shouldn't really signal the end of sexual activity for the night but if you have to trot off to the bathroom or local landfill site to dispose of your condom is sort of interrupts the flow.
The Male Pill
Oh so simple, pop a pill and get to it my friends. Ahh, actually it's not quite that simple. If you ignore the problem that a number of women aren't comfortable with the average bloke managing to do this i.e. they don't trust us, there remains another problem. Despite massive amounts of funding and research there still isn't a totally effective male pill that doesn't come with some rather horrid side effects. Indeed most trails haven't progressed from the lab rat stage before being dumped because the effects of the pill were permanent or in one case started to turn Mr Rat into Mrs Rat. No thanks eh. The world waits with bated breath for the reliable male pill and whoever manages to crack this egg will be very rich indeed I suspect. For now, not a good option this one.
"The Snip" comes in two flavours reversible and permanent. The permanent type involves some bloke in a white mask cutting you open and chopping out a section of your sperm duct thus preventing the little chaps from making their merry way out of your body. The reversible version is the same except that this time the bloke brings all his Boy Scout training into good effect and ties a knot in it, more or less! Whilst this cant really be considered much of a last minute option having got lucky on a lads night out, unless your mate Barry has his Swiss Army Knife with him of course, it is a good choice for the bloke that is happy that his baby making days are over. Obvious added advantages are that you will generally make far less mess and for the more lonely blokes out there could save you a fortune on tissues, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!
Being Welsh
By far the most effective form of male birth control around. The lack of opportunity will obviously equal the lack of birth. As the image on the right shows here we have a man dressed for the part and ready for action, but wait! There is a problem, no girl. Why? Because he's Welsh of course.
A bit of a high price to pay for birth control I think though, don't you?

Now the ladies:-
There seems to be an endless list of devices and medical solutions to the contraception issue for the ladies, all of which we chaps are able to remain blissfully unaware of. The female generally takes the imitative and the responsibility, why? Well I guess its mainly a result of some blokes being unable to think with anything other then their penis when the question of sex arises and the fact that if it all goes horribly wrong the lady can be left to take the fall whilst she watches the man hurdling over the garden fence in escape. So, what does she use: -
As with the blokes this is the most effective method of birth control for the girls too. It is with a totally unbiased stance that I would suggest that this is totally impractical however, selfish even, and I don't suggest that any bloke offers this as a viable option. Lets discuss it no more shall we.
The Femidom
The female condom, well how do we go about describing this "device" then lads? Put it this way, if you run into this you might actually want to think about passing, however out of character. The Femidom is essentially a bag that is inserted into the lady catching anything that might have designs on getting past and making a bid for baby making freedom. I'm told, as I have no direct experience, that using it is like making love to a bag of potato chips and disposing of the thing afterwards is a sight not for the faint hearted. Its effectiveness is apparently described as "reasonable", make of that what you will. Suffice to say I'm not a fan of this one based on the little I know about it. Go experiment why don't you and let me know what you think.
The contraceptive sponge
I don't even what to think about this one, the very word "sponge" generates some pretty
horrific images to be honest. The blurb states that its "a unique barrier device made of polyurethane foam impregnated with F-5 Gel. The sponge is a very convenient form of contraceptive. There is no prescription required, no fitting and insertion does not interrupt fore play. It cannot be felt by either partner and there is no leakage after ejaculation because the sponge absorbs semen. (SN: - I know a girl called Minni Mozolla who absorbs seamen!)
No sorry people I don't like the sound of this one and the more I read about it the more the images that I had are reinforced, lets leave it there shall we.
Can you imagine it, "hang on love, let me just get my vaginal contraceptive sponge out then ill be ready for you big boy" [Shudder!]
Commonly called the "morning after pill" that is a misleading term as the pill may be taken successfully up to 72 hours after intercourse. However, studies have shown the sooner you take it the better. It works by preventing or delaying ovulation after unprotected sex. It is effective in 3 out of 4 uses. The procedure requires you to take 4 oral contraceptive pills. Side Effects include nausea in 25% of all users, vomiting may also occur. Vomiting occurring within one hour of taking the pill voids the effectiveness. Other side effects may include irregular menstruation, breast tenderness, headaches, abdominal pain and dizziness. Of course the side effects of not taking it can include all of the above and a very swollen tummy, what's more they can last about nine months! 
The Diaphragm
The diaphragm (or Dutch Cap) is a rubber disk which evolved from the use of half an orange peel in ancient times (ever eaten an orange with a cut lip - WoW!) the woman places into her vagina so that it covers her cervix, the opening to the uterus. The diaphragm blocks the man's semen from entering the cervix. A spermicide placed onto the diaphragm kills sperm and physically blocks the cervix. Among typical couples who initiate use of the diaphragm, about 20% will experience an accidental pregnancy in the first year. If the diaphragm is used consistently and correctly, about 6% will become pregnant.
The intrauterine Device, or IUD
A popular form of birth control for some years. Many years, in fact, as it is one of the oldest forms of birth control known. In ancient times, Arab camel traders would place stones in their camel's uterus in order to keep it from becoming pregnant on the trip to market. (SN - God only knows what sort of things Arab camel traders get up to on route to market then!) Today, the IUD is a small plastic and/or copper form that is inserted directly into the woman's uterus via the vagina and left in place permanently. Although it looks like an antenna capable of receiving communications from the shuttle it essentially prevents the ovum from attaching to the uterine walls by scraping them (sort of like an internal scrub brush). 
There is some controversy as to whether or not the IUD actually prevents conception or if it is an abortifacient. In medical terms, the IUD is a contraceptive, as it is not considered an abortion if a fertilized ovum is expelled before it is implanted in the uterine wall. Also, much research points to the IUD being effective in preventing conception, especially IUDs that are made of or include copper, as copper seems to have some spermatocidal properties.
The Female Pill
Hurray, the granddaddy of all options. Easy, just take a pill. Discrete, you can do it at work if you want. Effective, a good success rate overall. Being responsible for the sexual revolution in the 60's that we all now enjoy the benefit of, there are bad points however. Firstly you have to actually take the thing, sounds obvious I know but many people slip up on this point. The list of side effects that the female can experience reads like a list of "things that I most don't want to happen to me". Still it remains a favourite choice for many women and has a good rate of return.
Spermicidal Fluid or Cream
Basically no more than Anthrax to Sperm this stuff will kill, with extreme prejudice, any little sperm that wanders into it. Generally used as a "belt'n'braces" approach applied to other devices like the cap for that extra security, although it can be used independently. This latter option however gives the man the sensation that he is making love to a suet pudding, not pleasant at all. Not that I have ever made love to a suet pudding you understand, its just a blind comparison.

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Slightly serous bit.
Remember people, I'm not a doctor, I'm a Shagnasty. Family planning and any medical advise should only be obtained from a qualified physician, the Internet is not really the place to plan not to have a family now is it. Lets face it it's not really up to planning a holiday never mind more serious matters. The above is only a giggle, whilst it's factually correct to the best of my knowledge; it remains just a giggle and should be treated with the frivolity it deserves!

This has been a Shagnasty production of value to those who have sex!

This page last edited by it's creator :01 October, 2001

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