Penis Behaviour Problems?

Is yours functioning correctly?

(Part of the Penis Owners Club)
Comments to :   Shagnasty are welcomed.

You probably regard your chap in the same way your aunt regards her cat: You think it's unique, blessed with quirky attributes not seen elsewhere. Wrong.
But just so you never have to do genital research to find out what's normal, I've done it for you. Damn I'm good to you people!


After receiving numerous mailed questions about the male member, and being in no way qualified to answer them, (I'm no doctor remember, I'm a Shagnasty), I've done some research on your behalf.
The most common questions I receive are presented below with the appropriate answers.
I hope this helps.

Now read on people and stop worrying.
(or start perhaps!)
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"It has a twist" Unquestionably the single most common question I receive.
Like a cheap plastic toy, your body is made from two halves welded together. (You want proof? Take a look at the seam running inside your mouth and under your scrotum, don't try to pull them apart though!) The two sides develop at slightly different rates before you're born, and that leaves one telltale sign, a slight twist in your penis.

It's called Penile Torsion, and almost all men have it to a slight degree. It's completely harmless unless your penis twists more than 90 degrees. See a urologist in that case - it could cause you erection problems further down the road.

Shagnasty's Trivia: - Penises displaying Penile Torsion always twist in an anti-clockwise direction, no one knows why and it doesn't matter which side of the equator you're on either.

"It shrinks when wet" Like a poor quality T-Shirt in fact.
This skinny-dipping horror occurs because the penis muscles contract when cold. They also tend to shrivel when you're nervous.
A gentle tug can help loosen these muscles and restore some of the normal length.

Shagnasty's hint: - Note people, I said gentle tug. Repeated hard tugging has another name!

"It ejaculates when you bench press." Can be embarrassing I think you'll agree.
When you contract your pelvic muscles, they exert pressure on the prostate and seminal vesicles and can literally squeeze out some seminal fluid. It's call "Gleet", who the hell thought up that name I don't know.
The easiest way to stop it? Ejaculate more often.

Shagnasty Says: - But not in the showers in the gym obviously.

"It wont urinate in public." An introverted penis can be a problem.
Up to one in ten men suffers from Paruresis, which is a flash name for penile stage fright. When were nervous, the muscles that control urination involuntarily tighten, stopping the flow. Some men with severe cases of paruresis cant urinate in a public toilet unless its deserted.
If there's no cubicle handy, take a deep breath and tighten your pelvic muscles, then relax and exhale. Repeat until you hear a trickle. Pee-shyness usually disappears once you actually get started.

Shagnasty Says: - Paruresis = I'm NOT ready for my close up Mr...

"It finishes whizzing after you've zipped up." Unsightly stains don't attract the ladies.
Have you noticed that petrol pumps always spill a few drops after you've finished pressing the trigger? Your hose must have been designed by the same man.

The sphincter muscle the pinches the urethra muscle closed is about eight inches from the tip of your penis, so some urine is trapped in front of it. If a few shakes doesn't prevent your from dotting your trousers, you can use a technique called urethal milking.

Simply run your finger along the underside of your penis to force out any remaining liquid. A study in the British Journal of Urology found that this little trick reduced post-pee dribble by nearly 30 percent.

Shagnasty says: - Somebody actually had to measure that statistic, it must be a fun life working for the British Journal of Urology.

It may be pink, Purple or Blue. Joseph and his amazing Technicolor...
The skin on the head of your penis is thinner than that on the shaft. so it easily changes colour in response to blood flow. It's normal to sport a red knob when aroused and a purple one when you're not.

However bright red, especially with itching or pain is a symptom of infection or an allergic reaction.

Shagnasty Says: - Allergic reaction, to what? Latex, Rubber, Barbed wire or Welsh women perhaps?

"I aim straight, it pees left" Friendly fire remains a possibility, nasty eh.
Why does your urine stream sometimes take a leap from the bowl into the bath?

The problem is your "Meatus" - the tiny opening at the end of the penis. Urine spirals out of your urethra like a bullet out of a gun. If there's dried mucus, ejaculate, or any other irregularity in the meatus it can make the stream go off-center. This happens most often in the morning or after sex.

To avoid soaking the bathroom floor, gently part your meatus with your fingers before urinating. If this happens constantly see a urologist there may be a problem in your urethra.

Shagnasty Says: - Meatus. Who the hell thinks up these names? There was nothing wrong with Japs-eye whilst I was at school now was there.

"It leaks during foreplay" What's foreplay?
When you're aroused your Cowper's Glands (at the base of your penis) produce a liquid lubricates and de-acidifies your urethra so semen can pass unfettered. It can contain sperm, which is one reason pulling out fails as a birth control measure.

The longer you stay erect, the more of this pre-ejaculate you make.

Shagnasty Says: - Is there no end to the amount of fluids lurking within our bodies.

"When erect, it bends like a banana." Handy for hanging the ladies coat on though.
That's normal - a straight penis is quite rare.

If you have the typical curve of 30 degrees or less (like a banana) it shouldn't cause trouble. But if your curve is more severe or if intercourse is painful, you may be among the 2% of men who have Peyronie's Disease. It's caused by scar tissue brought about by erection bending mishaps, you know vacuum cleaners and the like!!

This scar tissue doesn't expand and that causes the erection to curve. A urologist can prescribe drugs or surgery to straighten it out.

Shagnasty Says: - Drugs, for a bent knob. Damn these doctors are clever people indeed.

"It gets hard for no reason." You might not have a reason, it obviously does.
Unwanted erections often occur when you become sexually aroused subconsciously. Vibrations can also spur erections, which is why bus-stiffies were so common when you were a teenager.

The solution, take cover and wait!

Never force an erection down; that can cause penile fractures. Sadly the inadvertent hard-on is a temporary peccadillo; they become rare after you hit 30. 

Shagnasty Says: - "Unwanted erections" surely not. Somebody somewhere wants it, it my job to find out who.

"There's a 1-in-40,000 chance it'll turn to stone." Brought about by staring at Medusa's pussy no doubt.
Those are the odds of suffering Priapism - a persistent, painful erection that lasts longer than two hours and doesn't go down when your no longer aroused.

Usually caused by a blockage in the penis, priapism isn't a thing to mess around with. Rush to causality if it happens as the condition can cause impotence.

Also be careful with "constriction games" during sexual play. A 50 year old stumbled into the Royal Bolton Hospital with a four hour erection. It became evident that he had a pierced scrotum and had forced his penis through the hole. A badly timed erection caused his privates to engage in a tug-o-war. He needed surgery. 

Shagnasty Says: - "What was a 50 year old doing with a pierced scrotum in the first place? I'll bet the ladies at the bowls club didn't know that.

"But it wont get stuck in a vagina." Unlike me of course, show me one, and ill get stuck in, you mark my words...
No doubt you've heard countless stories of couples being clamped at the crotch. In 1980 the British Medical Journal even published a doctors 1947 recollection of Penile Captivus in which a couple entered causality on one stretcher. But this phenomenon has never actually been proved to have occurred.

If your partner's vaginal muscles begin to spasm violently during intercourse (a condition called Vaginismus, Latin for "Get off you drunken slob"), it'll cause her to feel pain and you to feel mild tightness.

There is however little chance it'll cause a Siamese ambulance ride. Considering the vaginal anatomy (as I regularly do) it just isn't possible to get your penis trapped in there. 

Shagnasty Says: - "No harm in trying though."

Further Reading by me...

Further Reading By Others...

The Penis Owners Club!
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"Shagnasty's book of the month"
The Penis Book : An Owner's Manual
By Margaret Gore

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The Author of the above does not claim to hold any medical qualifications what-so-ever (or any other qualifications at all for that matter!), the text is provided for amusement only. Medical advise should only be obtained from your doctor, I will not accept any responsibility if you take your penis to a mechanic for work to be undertaken and it all goes horribly wrong.

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This page last inspected by its creator 31/03/2020