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Penis Owners Club


  1. Cross them to bring good fortune to your family, and in times of national crises, the whole country.
  2. Stick them in a dripping Dyke to save Holland from flooding.
  3. Run them through the hair of a loved one to create a feeling of well-being and express affection.
  4. Use as a shoe horn.
  5. Beat out an irritating rhythm on your desk to annoy workmates.
  6. Cover in orange juice and stick your fingers in the freezer, hey presto, a lollipop on a finger.
  7. Point at an accident in the high street.
  8. Crush a wasp or a fly or an ant, but not a spider as it brings bad luck.
  9. Test temperature of porridge (if you are a bear).
  10. Offer to a friend to smell after you have fingered a trout.
  11. Put in end of a ketchup bottle to seal in the contents as you shake it to loosen the tomato goodness from the walls of the bottle.
  12. Chop ends off and claim invalidity benefit.
  13. Point out nude on continental beach.
  14. Flick dog dirt out of horses main.
  15. Flick through Sears catalogue to locate the lingerie section.
  16. Put deep into throat to trigger spew valve.
  17. Smear the words "I will kill again" on to the wall following your last murder.
  18. Push your piles back into position.
  19. Wipe away a tear whilst viewing hubby's autopsy.
  20. Indicate location of gas pipe.
  21. Scrape away at granite wall whilst incarcerated in a high security prison.
  22. Brush away stray dog hair from painting of a salad.
  23. Lick and point into the air to give impression you are a scientist investigating wind directions.
  24. Put inside a glove puppet to entertain a toddler or senile relation.
  25. Plunge into a saucepan, then announce to the cook, "Oh, what a rich sauce".
  26. Apply pressure to a spot or recent cut to stem the flow of blood.
  27. Hook guests camel coat out of swimming pool.
  28. Push your glasses back on to nose to give impression of great knowledge and wisdom.
  29. Count contents of pay packet prior to suicide.
  30. Smear faeces or blood on to public-toilet wall prior to writing time and date of said smearing.
  31. Push Banana into deep space.
  32. Push dog's erection back into cover.
  33. Ram into pigeon's throat to recover your lost tasty peanuts.
  34. Cover eyes of dolphin when riding through the South Seas.
  35. Lock toilet doors to keep out persistent homosexuals.
  36. Cover a complete stranger's eyes from behind and say "guess who?".
  37. Twang a lady's bra strap as a kind of playful first move.
  38. Twang a boy's posing pouch etc etc.
  39. If blind, use to feel way round town centre.
  40. Revolve to the side of your head to indicate a member of the party has lost their marbles.
  41. Plunge into a Battenberg cake, thus ruining it's charm, then offer to buy it at half price.
  42. Take photo of one and use to head a newspaper column entitled "The Fickled Finger of Fate"
  43. Place over end of a hose-pipe to achieve longer spray when watering distant marigolds.
  44. Scratch eczema.
  45. Move peanuts away from eyes when sleeping in the grounds of a KP factory.
  46. Perform an initial test on a cat flap.
  47. Lift up fringe whilst driving to observe road signs.
  48. Put in ears whilst listening to Perry Como.
  49. Point out a busy body to a gossip columnist.
  50. Apply false eye-lashes to a duck.

I hope that the above has been of use to you and you are encouraged to find additional uses for your fingers as they are not restricted to those just described..

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This has been a Shagnasty production of very limited value.

Source material obtained from BBC books, all rights are theirs.

This page last viewed by it's creator : 31/03/2020