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Penis Owners Club


Can you really expect to survive through your short and futile life without knowing the things listed below, I suspect not ... So read on and learn people learn.

1.    Why is the sky blue?
Light from the sun is scattered by atmospheric particles and the blue light, having the highest wavelength, gets through the most, making the sky blue. And the sea.

2.    In theory, how big could a penis get?
Listen, having a huge knob is not as great as you might think it would be. The longer the shaft, the heavier the penis, the less acute the angle of the erection. At full whack a very large penis indeed (say 13-14 inches) will probably end up pointing at your shoes. Although the largest penis in the world is a rather hard record to measure, seventies porn star "Big" John Holmes was the proud owner of a 13 inch wanger.

3.    What is the most addictive drug?
Easy one this, Nicotine, closely followed by Heroin.

Shagnasty Says: Rolf Harris is the most addictive drug know to man.

4.    Why don't moths try to fly to the sun?
Moths use the moon to navigate, keeping it at right angles, so they can migrate. If they try to keep an electric light at 90 degrees it makes them go in irritating little spirals. Half the time, they're just sniffing out females anyway (which they can smell from up to 8 Km away, I've known some like that to!).

Shagnasty Says: The old TV remote controls (the ones that emitted a sub audible tone) could be used to shoot down moths, and what fun it was too.

5.    Where is Timbuktu? and how far from London is Tipperary?
Timbuktu is the North African country of Mali (near Burkina Faso), 2,409 miles from Tipperary which is in the Republic of Ireland (and 360 miles from Piccadilly).

Shagnasty Says: London is not however far enough away from Wales.

6.    How do you make a citizens arrest? (UK only)
You can arrest anyone for an offence that would carry a penalty of more than five years in prison. You can use "reasonable force", but then must contact a police officer as soon as possible.

Shagnasty Says: Having checked the legal definition of "Reasonable Force" it sadly lacks any mention of "weggies, Chinese burns, nipple tweaks or the oh so important phrase "stamping repeatedly on his left one".

7.    Why does sweat smell?
Bacteria feeding off dried sweat causes the delightful "hot-dog with double onions" smell of the armpit. Sweat itself actually has a slightly meaty, musky pong.

8.    When is it all right for me to wear a hat?
You are only permitted to wear a hat in the following situations :
Shooting or fishing (deerstalker - only use the ear flaps when its really cold.)
Playing Baseball (baseball cap)
Driving an open top sports car (Wear a Gill, a flat cloth cap with deep back.)
When skiing (A bobble hat is fashionable, a headband is not.)

9.    If you diet and exercise every day, how much weight could you really loose in one week?
No more than 2-3lb.

10.    "B" & "HB" - Why do these letters indicate different hardness of pencils?
"H" & "B" stand for Hard and Black, describing the mix of clay and graphite in the pencil, Not Mike Tyson. The more graphite, the softer the pencil - from 9H to 8B (softest)

11.    Why doesn't Donald Duck wear trousers?
This remains unknown, but he does wear a towel when he comes out of the shower!
(Incidentally, Mickey Mouse's ears point then same way no matter where he's facing.)

12.    How many sheets of A4 paper can you make from one tree?
About 30,000.

13.    Why are there more holes in a pepper pot than in a salt cellar?
Salt flows easily but pepper particles have a larger surface area and don't flow so well, therefore they need more holes. Also, how would you tell them apart if this was not the case.

14.    What is the most popular UK Cats name?

15.    How do mobile phones work?
Oh boy. This is a toughie, here goes.
When someone calls your mobile phone number, the call gets routed to the appropriate mobile phone network, Cellnet, Orange etc. The network is made up from hundreds of "mobile switching centres" up and down the country. Think of them as local exchanges. They each control a number of different "cells" which are areas of radio coverage from 250 Meters (in Central London) to 35 km (in countryside), none in Wales but who cares eh. Your number is looked up in a database to find out which switch is nearest to you (your phone automatically "logs into" different centres as you move around). The switch then broadcasts a paging message to all its cells, requesting your phone to ring (that's the weird buzzing noise that often proceeds a phone call). Once your phone says hello the call is transmitted via normal radio and your phone basically becomes a walkie-talkie.

16.    Who write the bible?
Nobody knows for sure. For centuries they thought it was Moses. Now most think it was compiled from four separate sources (none of which are God by the way). The New Testament was written between 40 and a 100 years after Christ died.

Shagnasty Says: The apparent lack of any involvement by God or Christ somewhat reduces its credibility for me, a bit like a post Ian Fleming James Bond film don't you think?

17.    What were Bodie and Doyle's (of The Professionals fame) first names?
Easy one this, Ray Doyle and William Phillip Andrew Charles Bodie

18.    What's a hangover?
Alcohol is a diuretic (which means you wee up to twice as much as you drink), and when you piss you loose salt, which gives you a headache.

19.    And why do you never get any sympathy?
Technically you have poisoned yourself. You deserve it.

20.    What's the best hangover cure?
Eating lots of salty food (preferably in the form of a big greasy breakfast) to maximize salt infusion.

21.    Why do men have nipples?
Until the sixth week of pregnancy, fetuses are female. Then the "Y" chromosome of a man kicks in. The labia and clitoris become the scrotum and penis while a short temper and an ability to drink develops in the brain. During this process, for some reason, the nipples don't get re-absorbed.

22.    Why don't we have laser guns yet?
We have got laser guns and have had for 15 years. They aren't used because they are considered inhumane.

Shagnasty Says: Yes, like you I too am wondering which weapons are considered humane. The catapult and the spud gun are the only ones that come to mind.  

23.    Do you know the way to San Jose?
If you're starting from Wolverhampton Town Centre you'd take the A454 out east towards the M6 and whiz down to junction 2 following signs for Birmingham Airport. From there catch a flight to San Jose Airport, and then take the Airport Parkway to Highway 87 - which takes you right into town.

24.    Which is the best Star Wars film?
I think Star Wars, definitely not Return of the Jedi. A lot of fans prefer The Empire Strikes Back for its darker tones, but it's about 60/40 in favor of the first film.

25.    Where do birds sleep?
Birds have to tighten their muscles to open their claws. When relaxed their talons clench. So they can, and do, sleep in trees.

Shagnasty Says: When I was asked this question I couldn't really imagine the answer being anything other than trees, could you expect them to be tucking themselves secretly under post boxes on mass or hiding behind cows in fields or something. Anyway, question answered.  

26.    How do you start a fire in the rain?
Crack open damp logs - the wood inside may be dry. Scrap out two to four handfuls of shavings. Try and find pine wood which, because of its sap, burns easily. Once it's burning, use the fire to dry more wood and cut it up very finely to speed up the drying process.

27.    What's the most venomous snake in the world?
"The Fierce Snake" (really), found in the Australian Outback. A single male snake contains enough venom to kill a quarter of a million mice.

Shagnasty Says: The word "Overkill" could never apply so well, I mean what's the point in having all that killing power for a few mice, it could surely never actually eat a quarter of a million mice in it's lifetime. But then again the average Welsh male has a few billion brain cells and .......

28.    Why does the postman come in the morning?
The post office delivers 75 million items of mail every day (UK), and it's cheaper to run planes, trains and lorries overnight.

Shagnasty Says: Add to that the fact that they are lazy gits and slob around all day, a bit like dustmen really. 

29.    Could Jurassic Park happen?
No, don't be stupid, next question.

30.    Mice like cheese, right?
No, they prefer sweets.

Shagnasty Says: I like cheese though in case you are interested.

31.    Do sharks swim with their fin above water?
Only when their prey is close to the surface, obviously!

32.    What's the best hand in poker?
Royal straight flush, A, K, Q, J, 10, of the same suit.

33.    Does the cold cause colds?
Absolute rubbish, it's a virus.

34.    What is snot, where does it come from and why the hell is it green?
Mucus is made up Glycoprotein and salts and is secreted by special glands. When your snot is green or yellow or that weird oyster-grey, it's got lots of bacteria in it and should be wiped quickly on the nearest curtain.

Shagnasty Says: Demonic Dave tells me that "Nasolingus" is the name given to the sexual act of eating someone else's snot. I cant help but feel that there should be a name given to the person who would actually know that.

35.    Why cant you use your mobile phone at a garage?
Should it ring, tiny electrical charges in your phone could "technically" ignite petrol fumes or spilt oil.

Shagnasty Says: In a worse case scenario, petrol, oil and those barbecue logs and briquettes they always have lined up would fall on you just as your phone rang, then BOOM. (This is of course complete crap, the average car switch contains considerably more static electricity than any mobile phone)

36.    Why are dogs years worth seven Human years?
Because dogs have a very different metabolic rate. Their cells multiply and decay at different rates to humans.

37.    How do you make perfect roast potatoes?
Heat some olive oil to smoking point while you cut your potatoes into wedges. Fry them for three to four minutes and then spread them over a baking tray. Throw in a handful of Cumin seeds and a touch of salt, cover in foil, and stuff them in an oven for an hour.

38.    Why does water go down the drain in different directions on each side of the Equator?
It doesn't and its not the result of the Coriolis force caused by the Earth's rotation, as I believed it to be until corrected by a reader. Water drains in any particular way entirely dependant on the shape of the bowl, current movement of the water, and other minute factors. Which is far less exciting than good old gravity having a hand in it - albeit more accurate.  

39.    Why do moths eat clothes?
They don't, their larvae do though.

40.    Why do we have an Appendix?
It's a throwback to when we were cute little monkeys swinging from tree to tree, eating shrubs and grass. It's for digesting cellulose but it's possible for food like Doner Kebab and Pork Scratching to "fall" into the appendix and sit their for months, rotting and causing infection.

41.    Why do dogs lick their testicles?
The rather obvious answer is "because they can".

Shagnasty Says: Don't even try to tell me you haven't tried.

42.    Why do we like chocolate?
It contains phenylethylamine, a chemical released in our bodies during arousal or infatuation. It boasts a few caffeine-like substances too.

Shagnasty Says: And it tastes nice, the oldest choccy-bar brand in the UK is Fry's Chocolate Cream founded in 1866.

43.    What colours don't go together, ever?
Burgundy and Red.

44.    Ties - Why?
Cravats first came into existence when a bunch of hard-ass Croatian marines were presented to Louie XIV of France after they had helped defeat Turkey. Hipster louie spotted their strange brightly-coloured neck cloths and made a craze of it. The fashion drifted across the Channel and evolved into the tie we have today.

Shagnasty Says: Well what a bloody surprise, the French, how typical.

45.    Why do some peoples heads of beer stay whilst other disappear?
Certain dishwasher detergents can nuke beer's head but usually it's the greasy mouth of someone who's been piling crisps and peanuts into their fat stomachs which dissolves the foam quicker.

46.    Why are there 24 hours in a day?
The Earth takes 24 hours to do a full rotation on its axis. Be thankful it's that short. On Venus, it's 243 of our Earth-days long. Pluto's year is 247 of our years.

Shagnasty Says: The standard of time should be decimalized, don't you agree?

47.    How thick is a bolt of lightning?
Between 2 mm and 10 cm

48.    Why are TV aerials so weirdly shaped?
It's called a Yagi-array and it's about six or seven times more effective than the average satellite dish. The waffle like plate at the end is a reflector for focusing signals back on to the aerial. The side bits increase the surface area to broaden the reception. The whole thing is pointed at the local TV transmitter.

49.    Can TV Detector Vans really detect TV's?
Yes they can, but no they don't. Dishes on the famous grey vans are sometimes there to detect the electromagnetic interference of a telly. Most times they have checked the records and know you have not got a license, they assume that every address has a telly and work on that principle.

Shagnasty Says: The vans really full of blokes playing cards.

50.    How long after loosing your finger can it be sewn back on?
A ball park figure is about an hour, longer if it's well kept in ice but it also depends on how it was severed. If it was crushed you've got less time that with a clean cut.

51.    Some people are double-jointed, aren't they?
Complete tosh - there's no such thing. Some people just have more elasticity due to genes, diet and exercise.

52.    What's the quickest way of locating your lost girlfriend in a supermarket?
Statistically speaking, you should head to the exit and wait.

Shagnasty Says: or like me you can just wander the aisles slack-jawed, carrying the Tampax Supers, half-baguette and Phillips LadyShave she asked you to go and get.

53.    Why are carrots orange?
Carrots are naturally white but have been bred into a more appetizing orange colour. You can also get red and purple ones.

54.    How does a guide dog know where to go?
Each dog learns several routes, and the owner simply says "find supermarket" or "find station" when he wants to go somewhere.

Shagnasty Says: Lets face it, you'd know where to go too if you were forced to wear a day-glo yellow body warmer for three years learning routes off by heart.

55.    What is the most lethal virus?
Once the symptoms of Rabies appear it is 100% fatal. Ebola, transmitted through blood, saliva and shit is 85% fatal.

56.    What is fire made of?
Super hot atoms and fuel.

57.    Is it cheaper to have your boiler on all day or twice a day?
Unless your boiler is very well insulated indeed, it is far more economical to make it come on twice a day.

58.    What exactly is in Coca-Cola?
No big secret: Lemon, Lime, Cinnamon, Orange, Nutmeg, and Coriander oils.

59.    How do you make the perfect cup of coffee?
Start with the best beans, Blue Mountain Jamaica (30.00 per lb), and grind them down, pulverize them in fact. Use a warm unwashed espresso pot and try to froth some hot milk on top.

Shagnasty Says: The Italians choose not to wash their coffee pots out stating that it enhances the flavor of the next cup of coffee, and as this is the race that designed the Vespa, who am I to argue.

60.    How tall was Queen Victoria?
Four foot eleven.

61.    What's the minimum I can eat and still survive?
Bread, Cheese, Cabbage, and Water.

62.    How different is a man from a chimp?
Not very, our DNA is 98.6% identical to chimps.

Shagnasty Says: The welsh man's DNA measures at 98.7% identical, confirming many things for me, don't know about you though.

63.    Which statements are guaranteed to start an argument about music?
a.    Kraftwerk invented hip-hop you know
b.    David Bowie has always been good.
c.    Oasis just ripped off the Beatles who just ripped off The Rolling Stones.
d.    Punk Rock was just a marketing scam.

Shagnasty Says: The phrase "Tom Jones is God" will however be received without contention is most educated circles.

64.    How big is the universe?
"Very" would be a nice quick answer, but when we look across the universe we are effectively looking back in time, because the light we see takes time to reach us. At the greatest distances, what limits our view is not an edge to space, but rather the beginning of time!

65.    Why are eyes different coloures?
Blue-eyed people have less pigmentation than people with brown eyes.

66.    How many times can paper be recycled?
About six

67.    How fast do you have to drive to avoid motorway speed cameras?
About 1,100 miles per hour.

68.    What really happens to a human body in a vacuum?
You don't explode, I know it's a shame but it's true. The human body is like an oily plastic bag - you will stay together as log as you don't decompress yourself by exhaling.

69.    Can you see the Great Wall of China from space.
Of course not it's only 32 feet wide. What astronaught's see is a line where dust storms hit the barrier of the wall.

70.    The Giraffe - Why?
It has a 21 inch tongue and no vocal cords. It can last longer without water than a camel and has no known predators. That's why.

71.    Where is the best place to sit in an aircraft if it's going to crash?
In the cockpit or tail plane. Both areas often survive crashes. The Royal Airforce incidentally sits its passengers facing backwards to increase their chances of survival.

72.    How do you shave your head?
Remove as much hair as possible with clippers then shampoo the rest in warm water. Work up a good lather but leave  golf ball sized area on top so you can grip your head. With a razor, shave gently with the grain leaving the crown patch until last. Rinse and pat dry than moisturize the whole bonce.

73.    Which is the best way to avoid wetness : running or walking in the rain?
If the rain isn't being driven by the wind, run (not forgetting to place an ineffectual newspaper on your head). If there's a massive wind you will get wetter if you run. In a light shower it's best to walk.

74.    Can you really survive for minutes after decapitation?
You can retain consciousness for up to 13 seconds (the length of time brain cells can survive without oxygen). During that time you can blink and even communicate in a blink once for yes twice for no style.

75.    What is the internet?

76.    What is the best way of killing someone with your bare hands?
Crush their windpipe, it's quick, quiet and does not require significant strength.

77.    Why do we have to sleep?
The body needs sleep to recharge. The brain needs shut eye to process information, clean out unwanted memories and to give you weird dreams about Bridget Bardot and a pack of batteries. Do with out sleep for more than 72 hours and you'll suffer from short term memory failuer, ahllucinations and paranoia.

Shagnasty Says: All for free!

78.    Where is the Meridian?
It's the point of Longitude that runs North-South through Greenwich in South East London.

Shagnasty Says: That one is included for the yanks reading the page, all members of the UK are more than aware where the line is as we have paid for a rather silly dome building because of the bloody thing, which, by the way, is right next to my house!

79.    Are women really worse at some things?
Parallel parking - seriously. Because the right side of the brain (which deals with motor skills) is less developed in women so they're not as good at spatial awareness. Also their brains are small and lighter. And women blink twice as much as men - so they're worse at not blinking as well.

80.    Why are public hairs curly?
Because hair follicles in these areas are oval rather than circular, causing the hairs to bend.

81.    Can I bluff a wine waiter?
No, if you try to impress your partner with your (poor) knowledge of wines in front of the wrong waiter he will make you look very silly indeed.

82.    What is a synthesizer?
A musical machine of consistency, a sound machine (not a machine for reproducing sounds) which molecularizes and atomizes, ionizes sound matter, and harnesses a cosmic energy. if this machine must have an assemblage it is the synthesizer. by assembling modules, source elements, and elements for treating sound (oscillators, generators and transformers) by arranging microintervals, the synthesizer makes audible the production process itself and puts us into contact with still other elements beyond sound matter. It unites disparate elements in the material and transposes the parameters from one formula to another. The synthesizer with its operation of consistency has taken the place of the ground in a priori synthetic judgment: its synthesis is of the molecular and the cosmic, material and force, not forma and matter, ground and territory. philosophy is not longer synthetic judgment; it is like a thought synthesizer functioning to make thought travel, make it mobile, make it a force of the cosmos.

Shagnasty Says: What a load of bollocks, pick up something with strings, a stretched hide or a place to blow and make some fucking music. Leave the electronics for my kettle and mobile phone thanks.

83.    Did Galileo invent the telescope?
No, Hans Lippershey, a Dutch lens grinder and spectacle maker, invented it in 1608, but Galileo was the first to point it towards the heavens and study the stars. By the way Don't look directly at the Sun you'll go blind; Galileo did!
No: 83 kindly submitted by :- Mark Salazar

Shagnasty Says: We in England recently experienced a total eclipse of the sun and during the run up to this event we were advised by the media not to look directly at the sun. For those of us who don't actually make a point at looking directly at the most powerful light source in the solar system but wish to experience an eclipse in total safety, try this. Take a frozen pea and hold in the air and place in front of sun, hey presto, your own personal eclipse.

84.    Who is the funkiest man on the planet?
James Brown of course, no contest.

85.    How do you save money on your TV license legally? (UK only, I think?)
A few weeks before your TV license is due to expire you will be sent a reminder from TV Licensing. Enclosed will be an addressed envelope that you should stamp and use to return payment. However, if you ignore this you will be sent a second in a couple of weeks only this time the envelope will be of the pre-paid variety, thus saving you the price of a stamp.

86.    Where did the 'V' sign, as in f*ck off, come from?
Agincourt actually. The French claimed that every English archer captured would have the first and second fingers, the ones used when drawing a longbow, cut from his hand. After the English won, and rounded up all the French, the English waved the aforementioned fingers at the French to show they still had them.

More to follow shortly : -- Hopefully !!!!!!!

You may have noted that I am short of the claimed "100 things", well life is full of unanswered questions isn't it.

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Credits to:

No: 83 kindly submitted by :- Mark Salazar
No: 85 kindly submitted by :- Mark Griffiths
No: 86 kindly submitted by :- Christopher Pollard

This has been a Shagnasty production of no real value at all.

Source material from un-known Others

This page last viewed by it's creator : 31/03/2020